when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
