I'm sorry my penis didn't work
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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