I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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