Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
