so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
