she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.