I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
