God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now