I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
