My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
