did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
