i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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