I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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