the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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