get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
