I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
