What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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