Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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