just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
