why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
