He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
