I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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