dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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