Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
