So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
His hands were made for my vagina.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
