I'm really into asian looking animals
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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