just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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