I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
