Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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