Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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