That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
