i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
and you said cock pushups were impossible
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
