Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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