i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
