I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
