Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
birth control should be required to get into college
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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