Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
