can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
