I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
