Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
bring money and cleavage
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
