I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
