just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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