She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
