he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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