broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
