My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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