My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
they need to just BURY HIM!
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
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