It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
