yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
it's great music for shaving your balls
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
