im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
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