for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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