We need to rekindle our bromance
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
