i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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