He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
