OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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