um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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